Self preservation or avoidance

Being in Facebook groups that are centred around weight loss and 12wbt does have benefits but it can also have a negative impact as well.
I think being able to recognise and leave when some things don't sit right is a good thing, but can it also be bad?
I had to leave a group. There were too many things that made me uncomfortable and I'm wondering if it is something I need to work on ignoring or was it a good thing to have left all together.. am I just avoiding it?
So turn back time to years ago when I had an eating disorder. The only thing in my life I could control was "being empty" as I called it. My life was an absolute mess, my first marriage was failing, I wasn't doing as well on exams at tafe as I would have liked (I got a 95%), I was overweight and hated myself, so I would take sheets of laxatives every night, those excruciating stomach cramps were a comfort, I was purging my body of the only thing I was capable of controlling. I did eventually stop.
Quite a few years later I was in a destructive relationship, I was constantly told how horrid I was, if I lost weight I was told I was disgusting and my curves were disappearing and I was ugly. I had a health scare, a cyst was removed that was going to turn into cancer. That scared me so much, I got out of the relationship and I started taking xenical, and using diet drinks and eating healthy dinners and I exercised, a lot. At least 4 times a day, twice in the morning, once in the afternoon and then again after dinner. I was happy, my resting heart rate was 48 when I was at least 17kgs overweight (according to the 'experts') I was on a mission to lose weight and look good.
Must have worked because I got engaged and pregnant.
There have been times in the last few years where I have felt myself spiraling again, I had gone back to some old habits and stopped them but I am definitely not heeled from ever going back there again. So being in a group where there seems to be a few that are obsessed with exercise and calories and talking about it a lot, being disappointed that scales show a tiny gain after a nice dinner.. it was bringing back things that make me uncomfortable and I removed myself from the group. Good on them for wanting to get to their goal, and working very hard to do it, but I could see in them how I was a few years ago and I don't want to be reminded of it.
I suppose it means I still have some demons to deal with.

Am I a failure? Third time lucky - 12wbt

How many times can I tell myself it's time to change my life does it take before I actually do it?
I have had a weight problem for as long as I can remember. I've done countless diets, used over the counter diet pills and prescription diet pills. I've joined gyms and have gone a couple of times. I've gotten enthusiastic and then made excuses. Am I a failure?

I've decided that no I'm not, I'll only be a failure if I give up and tell myself the weight will fall off without me having to do anything. Which I have done many times in the past, finally I've come to the conclusion that this way just wont work.

I've done the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation twice before and I can pin point all of the reasons I had success and the reasons that I let myself down.

My first round I did well, I lost 8kgs but a lot of cms, I injured my ankle.. not by doing something awesome at the gym, but by kicking a pile of clothes off the end of my bed! who the hell does that! my ankle was swollen and painful and I saw that as a great reason to give up, it gave me a break and I gained back 13kgs!

Second round... I was going to rock this round, I went to a specialist and got treatment for my ankle, I was advised on the best exercise so I don't do further damage, I bought plane tickets and booked accommodation in Melbourne for the 12wbt finale.. because that would motivate me.. *big eye roll*..
I started off great.. and then "Weigh in Wednesday" became "eat what ever the hell you want Wednesday" and that rolled into Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and on Monday it was "shit.. I've gained 2kgs and I have to weigh in in 2 days". Vicious cycle that just does not work.

So changes I have made for the next 12 weeks. 

• This is ultimately about me, I want to see my kids grow up, I want to see my grand children, I want a long life with my husband, I want to be healthy, and yes I absolutely want to look great in clothes and out of them lol

• I bought 50 take away style food containers and am using my precious pressure cooker to be organised with meals so there is always something in the freezer to eat.

• Instead of worrying about the cost of food I will buy the discount meats and create my menu with what I have bought.

• I have joined an affordable gym, I have a Personal Trainer -he listens and is aware of my injuries, my age and my ability. My husband and I have discussed a time that suits both of us for to me to go to the gym, I didn't ask his permission, that's not what I mean by talking to him, we're in this marriage together, we have four children, we need a time that suits all of us.

• I have made everyone aware of what I am doing, I'm not going to hide this, I am going to be proud of the changes I am making and I need their support. 

• SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT

Support is a massive thing and I am surrounding myself with it.  I have joined some 12wbt facebook groups for advice and friendships, My ex sister in-law is doing 12wbt, a very good friend is also doing it. My ex sis and I have a secret FB group, we plan to take photos of our heart rate monitors, showing the results of our workouts.. to keep each other on the right path, but yesterday she was threatening to kick my arse if I didn't get to the gym, I need that, I need people to tell me like it is, I don't need pussy footing around the weight and health issues, I don't want to be beaten, I want to be the one out in front, she is good for me  :)

My family are awesome, yesterday, DAY 1 of 12wbt and I had an appointment with my PT at 5pm, at 4:40pm I was sitting on the lounge and I started crying, my husband and 17 yr old daughter (Miss A) panicked a bit and asked why I was crying. I really didn't want to go to the gym, I had a million excuses, I was tired, my clothes look ridiculous, it's cold outside and my biggest complaint that I could come up with was "I am the biggest woman at the gym" .. and Both of them pretty much said "So what, at least you're going to the gym" and they're right, I went to the gym, PT knew I didn't want to be there, but I did my workout I tried my best, I know I have more in me and I will reach it. After my session was over, I stayed at the gym and did the C25K app, I want to learn to run.
By the time I had finished I had burned 660 calories, I was exhausted but glad I went. When I told my eldest daughter that I burned 660 cals and my muscles were sore,
she said "That's your muscles being happy"
haha.. so I'll keep going to the gym to make my muscles and myself happier and not give a damn about what other people look like :)